This may come as a huge shock to you. I mean it. I’m talking a surprise of giant proportions here. But hey, I have to tell you. It’s just too important for me to omit. Are you ready? Breathe deep now. Here it comes. Don’t write in telling me I didn’t warn you. This is it.
You can’t trust everybody you meet in the vampire community.
Of course you already know this. But I want to make a point and address the matter here, because I believe it’s an important issue, especially when we’re speaking of newcomers to the community who may fall prey to pretty words and well-woven doctrines (which I suppose includes this rant, technically, so you’ll need to decide where this falls for yourself).
The power of the vampire is yours. You don’t need someone else to give it to you. This is where the Vampnots enter.
Can you trust me? I can’t answer that. You’ll have to decide for yourself.
These are my Vampnots, collected over my years in the vampire community. You could call them travel advisories for the vampire world. Some may seem to be common sense, but has been said, common sense is not so common. I certainly don’t want to see any of you end up in a bad place when maybe a few words from me might have kept you safe. Remember that no path is sound for a fool.
Based on my own experience, a real, true, honest vampire will never offer to turn, make, or awaken you. Even if you ask a vampire to give you your own vampire being, you’ll hopefully be brushed off like a bug. I say hopefully, because there lurks unscrupulous individuals just versed enough in the vampire community to lure you in with promises of becoming a vampire. This is how you can lose lots of money if you’re lucky, and even your life if you’re not so lucky. Please tread carefully.
Stay away from groups that demand allegiance to anyone but yourself. I don’t mean you can’t give your allegiance if it’s your choice and you want to. I mean when absolute and unquestioning obedience to a group (or worse–to individuals in the group) are requirements for membership, you may want to think twice. Vampires are fundamentally independent beings. Ideally we owe nothing to anyone but ourselves, even should we choose further involvement. It’s my conviction that anyone who doesn’t recognize this fundamental trait is somehow missing something essential.
In connection with the above commentary, I suggest you run any group you are thinking of joining through the Advanced Bonewits Cult Danger Evaluation Frame. This is the best test of its kind I’ve found.
Vampirism is not a fetish. Well, okay, maybe sometimes people will play vampire as part of sexual fantasies. But that is not what I’m talking about here. We vampires don’t mean to imply a bloody good time in the bedroom (or wherever). Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with fetishism.
Watch out for outlandish claims. For instance, someone who claims to drink an eight ounce glass of human blood five times a day is either pulling your leg or robbing a blood bank. Myself, I’d hope they were lying. My other favorite is, “I’m a full-blooded vampire”.
That’s nice. So they didn’t come from the SPCA? Is it like leaded or unleaded gasoline?
My friend Phobos has had a philosophy regarding anyone claiming to be immortal. “Let them prove it.” No one yet has been willing to jump off the roof of Saturn House to demonstrate their immortality. Until we actually see it, we’re going to stick to the knowledge that we are mortal–physically anyway. Nobody’s debating the idea of reincarnation (what I call serial immortality) or the idea that so long as you’re living, you don’t really know you’re going to die except from the buzzkills around you.
Again in my experience, there are no demon wars raging, at least not on any plane of reality I’ve been able to survey. I wish this blurred line between live action role playing games and real vampires would go away.
Corsets, capes, dental-quality fangs, red talon fingernails–-ladies and gentlemen, these are not what makes a vampire. Have you ever tried to frost a cake without having a cake? You end up with a mess of frosting. What you do with your outside doesn’t make you any more or less of a vampire. Constrict your waist to sixteen inches or get “SANG” tattooed on your schlong–you’re not a greater vampire than the person standing next to you in sweats and work boots.
You might also want to consider the following:
No one is going to teach you a rote form of vampirism. You must learn it through your own experiences.
Learn what you can. Choose what does and does not suit you.
You will not be made an immortal.
You will not grow overlarge canine teeth (fangs).
You do not need to sleep in a coffin (unless you want to).
You’re not going to suddenly possess any kind of super powers, unless you count the ability to play with energy which in and of itself might be considered a super power.
You’re not going to be immune from disease, although you may find yourself becoming a stronger person physically as well as mentally.
Walking in the steps of the vampire is not going to give you instant sex appeal or improve your social status. These are things mostly empowered by personality.
You will most likely feel more in control of yourself and your surroundings.
You may experience a dramatic increase in confidence.
You may come to understand how thought becomes deed in very real terms.
Live in interesting times!
I loved this post! I laughed and nodded to myself in all the right places. Beautifully written.
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