Darkened Mirrors Bi weekly DICORD chat June 16 2018 Anxiety – Strategies

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    LadyCG
    Keymaster

    Darkened Mirrors Bi weekly chat June 16 2018
    Anxiety – Strategies for dealing with online stress.

    Fangi-botBOT – Yesterday at 5:59 PM
    Fangi-bot arrives in a puff of smoke to announce: Ladies and GentleVamps WELCOME To Tonights CHAT Please be sure you have refreshements, vices, snacks, notes ecetera close at hand. Your Hostess tonight is Lady CG. Make yourselves comfortable and we shall begin shortly.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:00 PM
    So, tonights topic is ANXIETY! Strategies for coping. Last week we established that “Anxiety is the epidemic of our times” and that its probably one of the most widespread personal issues we deal with in the global community, today. But how do we cope with it? How SHOULD we cope with it? What coping mechanisms or strategies do you find most effective?

    (We will be discussing this in text here in the channel, or if you have a headset, feel free to join our panel of mods and regulars in the voice channel. If you can head them but can’t talk, feel free to place your replies in Voice-text)
    and the floor is open!
    I’ve been an online entity for nearly 20 years. I know how stressful the community, and life, can be. As someone who has had to take breaks from the community for stress, I know I’ve had to develop ways to deal with stress in order to do what I do online.
    And even with all the things I try to keep myself level, sometimes its still a tough slog to stay positive, engaged and active.
    I’ve struggled with anxiety driven depression and even suicidal ideology and thats even with all the help I get from my support network, offline
    How prevalent do you believe these issues are for people in the GVC?

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 6:06 PM
    Its hard to do when things seem overwhelmingly against you. But keeping yourself reminded of who counts on you, and who you want to help, are things i find that, while not fool proof, tend to help me gain some footing in a hard time(edited)
    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:07 PM
    (Typing a wall because I missed the last discussion)

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:07 PM
    fair enough lol!
    we welcome texts from our voice panel as well!

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 6:09 PM
    Are you coming to voice @CG 🦉 ?

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:09 PM
    eventually.. I wanted to get text chat set up first :smiley:

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:13 PM
    Huzzah wall time
    I missed the last conversation, which is a bummer given I have a pretty good insight on the topic of anxiety. As someone who’s been dealing with a panic disorder coming up on nine years now since the diagnosis, life is about learning how to cope. It’s all you can do. If we’re discussing it from the frame of online interactions, as was mentioned above, I think one of the biggest and most important things to learn and explore is our capacity for control over mediums like online interaction. We have far more of it than we realize. And although certain social norms persist into this medium, we have many more means of changing a situation or distancing ourselves from the stress for whatever time is necessary.

    One thing I had to learn was that I can and should control who I have contact with. This seems like a fairly obvious conclusion, but I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve had to talk with friends or family for several hours even explaining to them that they can just block someone who’s giving them trouble online. That they owe nothing to that individual and there shouldn’t be a sense of obligation when it comes to a source of stress that is, more often than not, more intense via online interaction. People don’t seem to grasp that they have the capacity to instantly remove that source of stress from their lives, and that they’re within their full rights to exercise that capacity.
    ❤1
    People want to treat online discourse like it’s in person, but it’s not. There are less rules and less necessary hoops to jump through in terms of talking, or not talking, to someone. Helping people realize that they are within their right to remove themselves from a person, group, or place that is harming them mentally is extremely important. People far too often think they’re ‘stuck’, as it would be in person. But this just simply isn’t the case. And that most of their ‘long term’ panic related fears regarding doing so aren’t worth the current pain and stress, nor do they ever come true.

    Learning about the power we have online is one ot the foremost things anyone should do, especially if they suffer with anxiety like I do.

    This also extends to in person interaction, control wise. You are fully within your right to distance yourself from a person, to make your feelings, your stress, and your intentions clear, and to be vocal about what’s going on.

    Being vocal is the most important coping mechanism I have. I don’t care if I temporarily harm someone’s feelings, whom of which I had no original intent on interacting with anyways, if it means that I can set my boundaries and establish a level playing field that’s going to be much better for me in the long run when it comes to my anxiety and my panic disorder. Unfortunately, humans are the source of my anxiety. I have to take special precautions to keep people where and how I want them to make sure that my life is as less stressful as possible. And the quickest and best way to do that is to be vocal. Your feelings, your stress, and your intent. We have power, and we need to use it if we’re going to make sure we get through life without a plethora of unnecessary shenanigans and stress.
    ❤2
    🦉1
    ___

    How prevalent do you believe these issues are for people in the GVC?

    I’d be inclined to think any form of fringe community is going to have a higher concentration of individuals who experience atypicalities. Whether it be stress or another form of experience/ailment. I think that’s just the nature of these communities and the subsequent culture that forms from it. I also think people are more likely to be vocal about this type of experience in these communities, meaning we’re made much more aware of an already existent experience someone else has. They’ll be less likely to do this in person. Meaning I don’t think it’s any more common than it is outside of the GVC, we’re just hearing more about it given the nature of our communities.(edited)

    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 6:17 PM
    Yes. Absolutely. All of it.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:17 PM
    Quote: “One thing I had to learn was that I can and should control who I have contact with. This seems like a fairly obvious conclusion, but I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve had to talk with friends or family for several hours even explaining to them that they can just block someone who’s giving them trouble online. That they owe nothing to that individual and there shouldn’t be a sense of obligation when it comes to a source of stress that is, more often than not, more intense via online interaction. People don’t seem to grasp that they have the capacity to instantly remove that source of stress from their lives, and that they’re within their full rights to exercise that capacity.”

    I LOVE this. Its true. so often we just keep on having that same gut wrenching convo with the same person over and over, and for some reason its like we feel we MUST take this from people and we really and truly do not have to. The block feature is there for a reason
    thats whole wall is so well written
    the under utilized block button

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:22 PM
    Dealing with anxiety is not knowing, day to day, what it’s going to be like. And if you experience the extreme end of the spectrum like I do, complete with very damaging panic attacks and the whole slew of everything else, vocality is your actual life line. I have to be clear with friends and family, day to day, “I don’t know if I can do this”, “I don’t think I can go”, etc etc etc. Because you don’t know. And it’s ok to not know. That’s the nature of anxiety. You can be fine and suddenly your whole world is crashing down and you need to go sit in a bathroom and cry for a bit. That’s fine too. The first couple of years I held a lot of resentment for myself. Calling myself broken. I meant technically I am, my fucking wires are fried in my brain, but I did so from a really self degrading standpoint. I could never speak up about what I was feeling and some social interactons suffered greatly for this. Having a panic attack in public is the fucking w o r s t. For way too many reasons to list. Honestly I learned it was better to focus on me instead of whoever else was around me. Mainly because I had needs only I knew how to deal with. If the people in your life love you and actually give a shit about you, you don’t need to worry about having to back out of plans, or needing time away. Sometimes I don’t talk to people for weeks. Nothing’s wrong with them, I just don’t have the fucking spoons to take human interaction. And ya also gotta learn it’s OK to be like that. You don’t have to match your spoons to other people. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. Every time. Never hesitate. Take your power, find your voice, be vocal, and fucking go if you need to go.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:22 PM
    Do you think its unkind, rude, a form of harassment, perhaps even a form of mobbing when a lot of people all block the same person?

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:25 PM
    I think that’s situational, @CG 🦉 . Some people are just rotten and aren’t good for anyone. If they’re damaging to a whole group of individuals then all of those people blocking them need to do so. But at the same time even if they’re all doing it just to do it… so what. The internet is vast. You have billions of people at the click of a mouse and a 5 second search engine command. They’ll find someone else to talk to. The importance we place on social bonds can sometimes be very damaging if we’re giving them too much power/too much mental space when really most of them just aren’t worth that energy.

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 6:26 PM
    i think that could be a extreme measure, its social shunning(edited)

    Fox – Yesterday at 6:26 PM
    Aw hound missed me

    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 6:26 PM
    I think if it becomes a mass block… that probably means the individual should be banned.

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:27 PM
    Totes, @fox

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:27 PM
    Personally I think blocking is the lesser of many evils. You always hope that if the person finds themselves isolated they will think and ask themselves why

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:27 PM
    Unfortunately most people lack that capacity for introspection these days >_>
    Especially when, on the internet, they can just instantly go off and find another source of mental stimulation that is likely an exact clone of whatever they were engaged in.

    Fox – Yesterday at 6:28 PM
    Echo chamber

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:29 PM
    I think, of course it depends on the reasons for the person being blocked, in some cases. I think if the blocking prevents abuse on any side, then its the lesser of evils

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:30 PM
    Agreed.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:32 PM
    So are there means of harassment management that do not rely on blocking?(edited)

    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 6:34 PM
    Be assertive make it clear I’m done talking about a specific topic.
    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:34 PM
    Vocality works again. Using your words in a constructive manner (wish this was more common) to either appeal to their sense of reason or to give them a proper retort/lay things down as you see them usually makes people fumble. They’ll either get worse or not know what to do, the latter being a gateway to kicking them into the potential right gear.

    Or you could just not engage them. I do that a lot. People’s attention span is short. Remove their sourceof attention that they get from you they’ll generally fuck off to bother someone else.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:34 PM
    and that actually should work if the person is reasonable

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:34 PM
    When someone was harassing myself and my loved ones in a way that the block bottom did not prevent, I shamed them when ever they try to harrass us and they left us alone

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:35 PM
    Did that work?

    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 6:35 PM
    Contact mods or admins for moderation to solve differences….

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:35 PM
    Yes
    I havent heard from him in weeks
    I am but he took it to the next level with my freinds and myself

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:37 PM
    Thats sad. Sometimes when someone is so unreasonable that the only options you have left are bad ones

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:37 PM
    I don’t really think it’s bad to either:

    -Block them
    -Give them a taste of their own medicine.
    Humans don’t learn very well unless their individual selves or sense of comfort is in danger. This is common human behavior. They don’t change unless these two things are threatened. Threat being a fairly relative word as simply shaming, like Kreo did, made them uncomfortable.(edited)
    Uncomfortable enough to change the course of their behavior.
    We have a responsibility to put the self before the other. This is not selfish. You can’t help people if you can’t help yourself. And sometimes it takes active effort to put yourself in a better situation where you can continue on doing better/good/whatever things.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:40 PM
    And in truth that is the healthy thing. To love yourself enough to care enough to protect YOU
    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:41 PM
    Yes.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:42 PM
    and yet, so many of us do not feel we are worth as much as others around us, when in fact we have an obligation to care for ourselves, especially if we care for others

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:42 PM
    If one continually compromises the self for others then by the end of things they won’t know how to function. They’ll be the equiv of a badly worn doll that’s falling apart at the seems. The doll took care of the kid but never got enough care back, and it’s in shambles.

    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 6:42 PM
    Gotta have solid boundaries

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:43 PM
    I think boundaries, good boundaries, can be the difference between taking care of ourselves and letting others walk all over us

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:43 PM
    And then when you put anxiety into the mixture, you have even more of a responsibility to look after the self first. It’s not something that can be controlled or contained, and no one outside of you will be able to really help you the way you know you need it. Others can ‘help’, but only you can do what’s necessary to maintain proper levels or get back to where you need to be. Because it’s an internal nonvisible struggle. No one knows it better than the person going through it. Self care is so god damn important.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:46 PM
    Could teaching new people (and some old ones) boundaries when they first come to the community, help make the community a better place in the future? I mean it.. should we be teaching proper boundaries to our teens as they join the VC?

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:46 PM
    Absolutely. It would also help prevent certain meltdowns in the future, too.

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:46 PM
    YES OMG YES

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:47 PM
    This is something I don’t think we’ve ever actually thought of doing before

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:47 PM
    Understanding how to set boundaries comes with certain life experiences, but helping show others the importance of doing so will set them on the path to actually developing the reasoning needed to set them properly.
    👍1

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:47 PM
    Sounds like it might be something we need to be adding to teaching curriculums

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:48 PM
    It would do a world of good.

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:48 PM
    Each culture and group has their own boundaries. Its hard for me and alot of people like me to properly understand new boundaries. Some of us are not socailly inteligent.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:48 PM
    – not just in the VC. I actually think we should be teaching boundaries in SCHOOLS, to be honest
    think of the difference it would make to the next generation

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:48 PM
    Good luck with that one, but yeah.

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:48 PM
    There is no one set of boundaries.
    Every group is diffrent.

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:48 PM
    The whole of western society exists on predatory behaviors of what should be common sense boundaries, in all aspects of life.

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:49 PM
    I strongly disagree.
    Culture does play a huge part in boundaries though.

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:50 PM
    And you’re allowed to do that.

    Ninlilizi – Yesterday at 6:50 PM
    I live in a culture that has a barely existent concept of personal space…. It’s highly communal and an entire community works together like a family

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:50 PM
    I like that…

    Fox – Yesterday at 6:50 PM
    Ban hound plz

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:51 PM
    Which culture?

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:51 PM
    Yuck, I definitely need personal space outside. But the communal aspects are sorely needed in other parts of the world.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:51 PM
    @fox Now theres the Fox I know and love

    Ninlilizi – Yesterday at 6:52 PM
    Romani

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:52 PM
    NIce!!!!! I love cultures like that
    I did some security, its fun

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:53 PM
    @Ninlilizi I assume your culture has some kind of dispute resolution for when boundaries ARE crossed?

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:53 PM
    All of ours do~

    Ninlilizi – Yesterday at 6:54 PM
    Yes, we have what is known as a Kris… Which is a form of tribunal that works on a clan and community level
    The elders hold a kind of court session

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:54 PM
    So there is a set of standards and expectations.

    Ninlilizi – Yesterday at 6:55 PM
    lots of emphasis on personal responsibility ….. Can’t be any use to the community if you don’t have your own shit in order

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 6:55 PM
    Pretty much, yea

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:55 PM
    (Idea for furture discussion @CG 🦉 . Talking about unhealthy coping mechanisms, normalizing vices, and discussing the non-pretty side of dealing with atypicalities)

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:56 PM
    That would be a great topic! @Jamie Linton take a note…. @Fangi-bot I need to get you a secretary costume
    🙂

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:57 PM
    It’s rare the dirty/dark sides of these things get discussed in depth in a way that feels open and progressive.

    Ninlilizi – Yesterday at 6:57 PM
    The head of the community generally gets the final say in most disputes that are not handled in a healthy way… And people fall into line… because if they don’t respect their elders they can get outcast

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 6:57 PM
    Usually that sort of talk is reserved for putting people down or creating a sense of ‘betterment’ of the self in respect to the ‘other’ for ‘x’ reason.(edited)

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 6:57 PM
    Note taken

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 6:57 PM
    :heart:

    Kreo – Yesterday at 6:58 PM
    Each community and culture has different rules and boundaries. They all have different ideas of right and wrong. I have been trying to perfect the ability to state boundaries properly in rules and regulations for that community. The problem is when people do not understand those rules of that community or when someone’s personality and core beliefs are the opposite of that community.

    The key to boundaries, is setting them.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:00 PM
    People “not understanding” – that’s a simple problem, and easily solved with a clearer explanation.

    The bigger problem, is people who see/hear the boundaries, and just don’t give a shit about them

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:00 PM
    Indeed

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:00 PM
    That’s when action is required.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:01 PM
    But teaching boundaries to our members and future members could potentially lead to a better community down the line

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:01 PM
    Many people, however, don’t want to take action. Or don’t feel they can/know they can.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:01 PM
    that too

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:02 PM
    I think better use of the block feature combined with people who know its OK to set boundaries would cause the issue to solve itself

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:02 PM
    Eventually, perhaps.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:02 PM
    if someone is so used to seeing their boundaries stomped that they think it’s normal, you’re right, they won’t say anything
    and that’s just as big a problem
    because it lets the stompers get away with EVERYTHING

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:03 PM
    In the community I own I call moderators, mediators instead(edited)
    Thats is our main job

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:04 PM
    you are not wrong, lol.. it IS our job as moderators and facilitators to be mediators. Its just part of what we do. The question can be “how well are we doing it?”

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:05 PM
    Yeah

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:05 PM
    That probably varies from situation to situation and the individuals involved.

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:05 PM
    Very true

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:05 PM
    some of that can be measured by how comfortable people feel – whether they feel they can bring up any aspect of “things” that they need to

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:06 PM
    Anxiety. How to deal with it. Personally, it’s knowing and being aware of my triggers. Then taking steps to mentally prepare myself should those instances arise. Sure, you can’t always know what would set you off, but this sense of readiness helps limit the occassions of meltdown. Second, reminding myself of my own personal power. People with anxiety tend to have this mentality: if I speak up/say this, am I being mean? No gurl, you aren’t, you’re simply reinforcing yoir personal boundaries. I tend to be fall into the ultra nice side, always considering the other person’s well being, so I remind myself that their emotional reactions to my upset feelings not my responsibility. My own responsibility is to my actions and reactions alone. They too are adults. Third, know when to remove yourself from a situation or to remove a person in your life. Sometimes you need physical distance to clear your head. Step away from laptop/phone. Stop replying. Breathe, reflect… the latter is often drastic so if they used to be close to you (online or in person), evaluate it when your head is clearer. If they’re simply someone on the internet, remember that your mental and emotional health is important. Repeat after me. you don’t owe anyone a debate. Last but not the least. Self care. Some activities are considered “non-activities” by abled people. But it takes a lot of energy for anxious people to do. So shut the world away for a bit and focus on you. On the days you’re feeling better, have someone help you set up a self care package or simple step by step method for you to do when you are overwhelmed and don’t have the headspace or capacity to think of what to do.
    🦉2
    ☝3
    Wall of text. I don’t have the enter function on my phone. Sorry. Hehe

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:06 PM
    REI!!! *glops all over @Rei Tadashi

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:07 PM
    Fear not for a large amount of text. Thank you for your work and effort.

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:07 PM
    grins and waves good morning to you too @CG 🦉 😀

    Alexia – Yesterday at 7:07 PM
    Completely agreed with Rei

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:08 PM
    How I deal with mine, most days, is there’s a few “bucket” categories that people get put in. Most are in the “sure I’ll talk to you, but I don’t know you well enough to trust you” category. Lets me shove the anxiety out of the way while I deal with them

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:08 PM
    That wall of text was beautiful, Rei. really well written

    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 7:08 PM
    Wonderful list rei

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:09 PM
    I have a weird systematic way of viewing people that makes alot of people uncomfortable(edited)

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:09 PM
    Are there enough resources offered in the GVC for those who need support or help with stress?(edited)
    Are they easy to find?

    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 7:09 PM
    Simply put no

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:09 PM
    Maybe, this whole dm comunity is one(edited)

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:10 PM
    why not, Sage?
    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:10 PM
    This group qualifies, right? It should. And there’s a good number of support groups around. But when it comes to anxiety it’s very personalized and individualistic. As a group even though we offer support we can’t meet everyone’s exact needs. And I don’t think large groups can, but personal interactions built and sustained within them might offer more specialized and specific types of care/whatever the person needs. This isn’t always available though, and the community as a whole focuses on stress inducing actions rather than stress minimizing actions.
    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:11 PM
    Thanks guys~ Just wrote what I usually do, ehehe. takes a bucket of tea and seats on a corner
    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:11 PM
    @Kreo thank you :heart: but we arent the only support server in the GVC, actually. And how easy are we to find?

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:11 PM
    Good point.

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:11 PM
    But personally I don’t really look at this group and think, “hey they help me with my stress”. Sometimes I just lurk because it’s more stressful engaging. And it’s not anyone’s particular fault, it’s more the nature of anxiety itself.

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:11 PM
    ^^^
    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:12 PM
    As soon as I came here you quickly gained my loyalty. Even though I no longer need a vampire comunity, I stay. So you are doing a good job.(edited)

    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 7:12 PM
    I mean there is this group. However before I joined all I had were a few friends I managed to make to talk to. I never saw any stress resources reall

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:13 PM
    Well stress management is very personal. As it should be. It’s not like other forms of mental and physical ailments. Offering space and advice is what we can do, but generally it’s up to the person having the stress to take initiative to get what they need where they need it.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:13 PM
    Different people will have their anxiety set off by different things

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:13 PM
    When Im really stressed out I typically talk to my loved ones about it

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:13 PM
    @Hound (GD) i can understand that. I even empathize. sometimes at the end of a long day at work I am worn out both physically and mentally and I dont’ know if I feel like can add anything positive or perhaps even worthwhile, and its more stressful to come online than to just vegetate or lurk. But thats healthy. Its OK to say I’m FULL and opt out.
    No one has to participate, thats part of why we have so many mods and admins, so everyone can take the time for themselves when they require it and there are still others of us to keep the server going
    and I mean.. there is always Fangi, right?

    Fangi-botBOT – Yesterday at 7:14 PM
    @Bunnicula is a meddler and @NekoBot is a tramp. I am the superior design
    palm lol

    Fox – Yesterday at 7:16 PM
    :allythEfox:

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:17 PM
    It’s hard to find, support. Because trust is an important aspect of support. We have this group and that group, and they’re doing a good job of helping people. But then you have to remember that when a person is most anxious, they are at their most vulnerable. Their fears, perceived and/or actual, are at their highest level. Your weaknesses will be laid bare. There’s always a sense of fear of backlash, whatever form that may be. And a lot of mentality that goes like this: “Am I being a bother?” “Will they be able to handle this/me?” “What if…” That’s why I agree with Hound that the care is individualized. Because thr interpersonal relationship is also a huge part of it.

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:17 PM
    Typically. But I don’t often take solace in people that way. Trust is a huge thing for me, and it’s hardly given. I have people who have been in my life 10 years or so now and it’s not any easier bringing that sort of thing to them. I don’t usually talk about it because it’s very personal and I don’t like getting that sort of attention. For other reasons which I don’t feel is beneficial to the topic right now.

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:17 PM
    ^^^

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:17 PM
    I mostly think of DM server as a refuge when we need a break from Discord adventures and just want to relax and be yourself.

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 7:18 PM
    Stress like anxiety seems being a very natural human process, forced to deal with a very unnatural, high volume and high speed source of stimulus like the constantly ever changing online community. Simply put we aren’t well suited for this much information and social exposure, its brutal for some. I don’t know if theres enough resources , each individual handles the barrage of input differently.(edited)

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:19 PM
    oh lets face it, the bumper sticker is right “Stress; that feeling you get when you smile instead of beating the fuck out of some bastard who truly needs it”

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 7:19 PM
    Ha

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:19 PM
    Pretty much! LOL

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:19 PM
    Which is why I don’t even mention my exact diagnosis when talking unless asked, why I don’t elaborate on how I got the disorder unless asked, why I intentionally blur specifics. Sometimes attention brought to it can be it’s own kind of stress, especially in a public setting.

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:19 PM
    ^^^
    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:19 PM
    As Rei mentioned, there’s a lot of vulnerability involved.
    And people who deal with it long enough eventually learn/come to realize it’s not always worth it.

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:20 PM
    ^^^
    ladysagehawk – Yesterday at 7:20 PM
    I don’t actually talk about much to anyone… I’ve had 17 year long friendships that have ended. No length of time will be long enough for me to fully trust enough…. but… just coming here and talking about whatever is support in of itself as it is nice to just talk to people that can relate or just keep my mind off of what is bothering me …. sometimes that’s enough.(edited)

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:21 PM
    Do you think there are ways we can help each other in our vulnerabilities, to feel safe and learn to trust us as online support? – I don’t mean as a replacement for real friends or therapy, but as one of the tools in the toolbox?(edited)

    Fox – Yesterday at 7:21 PM
    Not personally

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:23 PM
    I don’t think it’s a group’s place, as a group, with an ever fluctuating community base and with not-so-good or well meaning people slapped in there to encourage certain type’s of vulnerability out of someone.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:23 PM
    I know familiarity can breed affection which can breed trust – or distrust depending on our experience with them

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:23 PM
    This environment is not static, it’s not a vacuum. Meaning that encouraging that form of vulnerability can lead to unforseen outcomes given the nature of human interaction.
    It’s one thing to breed trust. It’s another to breed an open supportive atmosphere. But it’s a whole other thing to encourage vulnerability.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:25 PM
    As an example though.. I’ve known Sphynx for… omg a lot of years online. I’ve had thousands of interactions with her and over time I have learned to trust her as a friend. I think we can learn trust
    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:25 PM
    It would be more viable if our respective cultures were constructed in particular ways, but it’s not. People will often times take full advantage of others who are too vulnerable. Just like there are individuals who will stomp all over someone’s boundaries because they can.

    Fox – Yesterday at 7:25 PM
    Especially since its discord and its easy to take something said here and spread it else where

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:25 PM
    Trust? Sure. But being vulnerable is a different level of trust.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:26 PM
    @SphynxCatVP do you know how many years? I lost count about a decade ago
    @fox thats been a thing with every form of media of seen the GVC use. any form of media can be abused

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:27 PM
    But it’s something to have in mind. Because not everyone in here is out for everyone’s betterment.
    That’s also the nature of online media.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:27 PM
    15 ish

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:27 PM
    It’s the nature of the beast. Humans in general.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:27 PM
    I think

    Fox – Yesterday at 7:27 PM
    But with forums you rarely would have that

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:27 PM
    :smiley:

    Fox – Yesterday at 7:27 PM
    since a lot of people didnt cross forums as much
    unlike discord

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:28 PM
    And you can intentionally limit access to certain areas of forums in a more nuanced fashion than IMs
    Meaning you can actually make it safer to be vulnerable.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:28 PM
    back in the day I was pretty much on 95% of the forums I knew about

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 7:28 PM
    Ways to help, know you cant with some people, but give the person enough room to open up, or not. Just be decent and compassionate, but know sometimes that trust will never be realised

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:29 PM
    Indeed, @Jamie Linton . Hold space for that person.

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:29 PM
    It is possible between certain people but as a group, it is not. Between 2 people, it would take time for some I and it would depend on the persons involved. As a group, you’d have more personalities to navigate. More edges to smooth together so to speak. As a group, the best thing one can work towards is to maintain a supportive environment. Eventually, people will gravitate towards those that would be most in sync with them.

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:29 PM
    It’s the most one can do sometimes. And honestly it’s a good/the better option. Some people are way too overbearing, and it can actually do much more harm than simply holding space.

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:29 PM
    Exactly. Holding space is often the best we can do.

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:30 PM
    Like I’ve had people come at me full 100% with absolutely no regard for any form of social boundary/respect/any form of normal prereq engagements for proper social bonds and it’s made sure I immediately from that point on associate negative things with them. Those overbearing individuals are a nightmare for people who have anxiety.

    Fox – Yesterday at 7:31 PM
    People cant help but be drawn to a good boi
    they want to pet

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:31 PM
    That’s another topic. Being aware of non-human animal stress needs

    JP Vanir – Yesterday at 7:32 PM
    I almost forgot thos chat

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:33 PM
    We are in existence 🙂

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:34 PM
    We’ve just been talking in chat that we MIGHT be able to fix future generation in the community if we start now, but in the meantime we still have deal with the assholes
    @JP Vanir Welcome!
    good to see you. Glad you could join us
    JP Vanir – Yesterday at 7:35 PM
    thanks

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 7:35 PM
    What about managing your stress as someone trying help? As a former teacher you must realise you cant save everyone. You will fail sometimes. You must be prepared for this inevitability, and not allow those failures torment you, fuel your stress insofar as it diminishes your ability to help the next person

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:36 PM
    That’s an important life less that also takes time and experience. I learned that a couple years ago. Before I was damaging myself trying to ‘save everyone’. And not everyone wants to be saved.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:36 PM
    But I do cling to the idea that its possible that if we start teaching new people in the community about boundaries and the proper application of them, that we could potentially change the social dynamic of the community for the better

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:36 PM
    Potentially, @CG 🦉 . But that would also require a more permanent fix in culture, too, to make sure it stuck/wasn’t met with resistance.

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:37 PM
    Actually I think it just starts with a few individuals and it can spread faster than a whisper

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:37 PM
    And those outside of the atmosphere would be in conflict with it, however, coming from a standpoint that disregards boundaries.
    Which would cause the friction I mentioned.
    (It’s beyond difficult to watch the original jurrasic park, pay attention to this chat, and also quest in WoW LOL)

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:40 PM
    Priorities, man, priorities….

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:40 PM
    Jurassic Park(edited)
    I’M SO READY FOR THE NEW MOVIE
    (I’ll refrain from geeking)

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:40 PM
    (I can relate. My stomach is calling me away. Lol)
    ( INCREDIBLES 2 IS ON HOUND! IT’S NOW SHOWING. GAAAAH!!)

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:41 PM
    shush.. my chat is almost over scolds

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:41 PM
    slaps self and focuses ahahha

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:41 PM
    FOCUS lmao

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 7:41 PM
    Your focus lacks focus hehe

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:42 PM
    refrainnnns

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:48 PM
    So, starting to wrap things up here, lets summarize some of the thoughts we’ve covered
    Is learning, teaching and applying boundaries something we want to see more of in the VC? Is is ok to remind each other that its OK to set boundaries and block people as the lesser of evil outcomes?
    👍2

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:48 PM
    Yes

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:49 PM
    Yes

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:49 PM
    Yep

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:50 PM
    What else can we do to help ourselves and others when community discussions, or associations become potentially toxic?

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:50 PM
    At the same time if you breed more conscious awareness of how to engage people it’ll help prevent the need to set so many in the first place.

    Jamie Linton – Yesterday at 7:50 PM
    Yea, silence by blocking, is better than continuing the quarrel and letting it grow

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:50 PM
    Yes. Teaching people how to set healthy boundaries would also be important. Most people trip in that regard. In order to reinforce something, you need to know what should be reinforced.
    ☝1

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:51 PM
    A) Teach how to set healthy boundaries, as @Rei Tadashi just said
    B) Teach them that Yes It Is Ok To Mute The Offender
    If more people just blocked and moved on…..
    👍1

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:51 PM
    I firmly enjoy groups that are open, direct and easy to understand about what they expect from your behavior. If you go into a extremely strict community with extremely strict rules but the rules are fleshed out perfectly it is very easy to act as they wish.
    👍2

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:52 PM
    If someone a few hours from now reads tonights chat, What would YOU want them to know about dealing with community or even offline stress?(edited)

    Kreo – Yesterday at 7:53 PM
    Herbal tea is better for you than vodka.
    😂3

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:53 PM
    You have a voice. Use it. No one else will. Take care of yourself, you’ll thank yourself later for it. You don’t owe anyone anything and you never will.
    🦉2
    💙2

    diss – Yesterday at 7:54 PM
    i’ve just come in on the tail end of this chat, it’s almost 4am here, but i heartily agree that learning to set and enforce boundaries is important, also teaching people to respect boundaries, and learning how to deal with people who don’t respect boundaries
    that pretty much sums up why i’m doing a workshop on consent amongst vamps and donors at our conference this year.

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:55 PM
    Fuck yeah, @diss . Consent is important.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:55 PM
    I would also say, teach how to recognize toxic people

    CG 🦉 – Yesterday at 7:55 PM
    I’d want them to know that there are people in the community who care enough to set boundaries and encourage others to do so. If you don’t feel comfortable in a group or talking to a group of people, its OK to leave. Its OK to ask for help. Its part of looking after YOU, and there isnt a person out there who isnt worth that.

    SphynxCatVP – Yesterday at 7:56 PM
    some things really shouldn’t HAVE to be learned by experience
    ❤1

    Rei Tadashi – Yesterday at 7:57 PM
    Help is possible. Thriving is possible. Sometimes that may involving having to drag your own tail through the mud with no one else around to lend a hand, but if that’s what it takes then by the gods, do it. But take time as well to remember it’s not always about strife. Take time to smell the roses. Despite the hurts and upheavals you may experience, there are people around that care. That will lend a hand. Learn to have the grace to accept it. You’re not an island. You don’t have to drown alone.
    🦉1

    Hound (GD) – Yesterday at 7:57 PM
    Mud feels good though
    😂1

    • This topic was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  LadyCG.

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