2014 (originally posted to a forum, updated 20180206)
I suppose i should finally introduce myself instead of being an unknown, grumpy, skeptical hard-tail. Now I’ll be a grumpy, skeptical hard-tail with a background. (I’m currently sorting out some issues in my life and the grump part of that should abate soon)
TLDR; I’m a pentadactyl, jaguarundi erectus therianthrope that has been studying his therianthropy for 40 years (at the time of this writing) and accepts that he’ll always be skeptical. I’m affected by my therianthropy 24/7 and it’s woven itself intrinsically into my life.
I encountered the community in 2004 under Jakkal and Bow at the Awareness Forums/Crossroads network.
Elsewhere i’m also known as MoonWind or Bearcat.
I’ve posted this elsewere (ha ha), but it still works for now.
I could spend 50 pages explaining and talking about my therianthropy, but for brevity’s sake ask me anything you want for clarification or to satisfy your curiosity. My therianthropy is the aspect of my life that has the most impact on it.
I’ve never felt human. I *am* human in that i had human parents etc., but i’ve never really felt it. I’ve felt alien my whole life.
My earliest memory of it is (probably) about age 2-4. I remember i was being washed in a basin and looking down in the water and seeing a pentadactyl, bipedal, cat’s reflection instead of my own. After a few moments, it switched to the reflection of my human body. This has happened consistently all my life. When i look at my reflection i see an anthro (pentadactyl, bipedal) jaguarundi in the reflective surface instead of my own physical body. Then there is a moment of alarm as my reflection changes to the human one. I’ve gotten used to it over my lifetime but the slight alarm is always there.
In my dreams i am always this bipedal jaguarundi. My dreams tend to be very narritivistic, and since there are many times when the other people’s reactions to an anthro-feline would not serve the story the dream is making, i often have what i refer to as my ‘human overlay’. It’s a semi-transparent overlay of my human body over the feline one so that characters in the dream react to the human body that they see. It’s just an overlay, an illusion in the dream. This tells me that my mind sees my human body as false and my feline body as real in some key ways.
In memories both short term and long term i am my anthro-feline self as well.
As a person who has lost a limb will feel phantom limbs, i feel a phantom anthro-jaguarundi body all of the time. I feel a phantom tail, muzzle, ears, paws etc down to my whiskers and the fur on my body. It’s not distressing most of the time and it doesn’t get in my way, unless i reach for something and miss. The phantom parts don’t actually interact with the real world (that i know of) i just feel them. My fur doesn’t keep me warmer and i’ve never been hurt by someone closing my tail in a door. There are times when if i’m deep enough in meditation that my phantom parts become real feeling enough (through no invitation of my own) that my my mind accepts my muzzle as real and i become unable to form words. My vocal cords and lips simply don’t work in a human way anymore according to my mind. It takes some focus to bring my them back “on-line” as it were.
I got into meditation when i was about 6 years old. I don’t recall anyone teaching me to meditate, i just remember putting music on and honing my thoughts and focus. Somewhere in that time i began exploring my feline feelings and impressions. During meditation one day, when i was deep in an alpha state, i had a vision of myself as my anthro-jaguarundi-self crouching on a high branch looking over a pathway. It felt like a hunting spot. I was aware of a large gray moon behind me, a sky that i didn’t recognise from earth, and the gentle wind through my fur and whiskers. I felt others like me as well. Many others. Not all feline per sé. I could hear their thoughts, feel their physical sensations and emotions. I was aware of their thoughts as visions. It was much like being in a crowded restaurant and hearing the conversations around you and once in awhile one will catch your attention and you can listen to it while holding your own.
I did some moving about in that vision to feel that body but that wasn’t the important thing. I became aware of my paradigm that i would carry. I felt as though i were one of these beings and felt the core of their beliefs to be my own as well. It wasn’t the kind of radical shift that would have changed me behaviorally in an obvious way, it was more subtle than that. From that day onward i began to think of the world around me as though i were still part of that collective consciousness and felt that i knew what i was and who “my people” were.
This paradigm of being in a collective consciousness and sharing my mind is something that makes me feel different from most people. I don’t feel a strong sense of possessiveness of objects or people, i don’t understand embarrassment over the body and sexuality, and i don’t feel a need for privacy. I use ‘i’ instead of ‘I’ to refer to myself as a nod to the idea that i’m a separate but important part of the whole. I expect to feel everything i say, do and think reflected back at me so i am mindful of those things.
When i think, i do so in visions not in words. If i ask someone to “pass me a pencil”, my mind attempts to send them the mental image of them passing me the pencil and an emotion of beseechment along with what facial expressions that my phantom parts might convey. Since that doesn’t work with most people, i translate the vision into words. This happens in reverse as well. When people speak to me, i translate the words back to vision in my head. It all happens lightning fast.
My thought-visions are hyper detailed with sight, sound, smell, touch, a sense of time etc. and are all complete including objects that don’t matter in the distance.
As a side note, math was a big challenge as numbers don’t mean anything to me, they’re just symbols. I was only recently that i began re-learning math by visualizing it in real-world terms in my vision mind and was able increase my acumen with it.
In highschool, i was convinced that i would be able to attain the body that my mind thought i should have, and i spent hours meditating at night so that I might shapeshift into my correct body. Of course that’s so improbable as to might as well be impossible, and all i was managing to do was focus on my phantom parts which might have felt like shape-shifting but wasn’t. Oh well, we’re all foolish once or twice around that age.
For a long time i felt my therianthropy was based on the cougar and then in highschool i wanted to think tiger but knew it was wrong too. I spent decades pouring over cat books. I still don’t know why i never ran into the jaguarundi, but honestly you won’t find them in a lot of books about wild felines, and in the 70s and 80s less was known about them i’m sure. They still aren’t studied much, but i don’t take that personally :”)
Although I’ve always known i was feline, but didn’t know what kind i was until 2005 or so. At the very end of 2004 i discovered the therianthrope community and found lots of people like me who felt they were non-human animals inside. Few of them felt like they were alien like i do. They tended to feel like portions of their minds and behavior slid or hard-shifted from human to animal, back and forth. I don’t do that. I don’t feel like a jaguarundi mixed with human, i’m something else that just looks/acts like an anthro-jaguarundi for whatever reason. Some people in that community helped me narrow down my search to jaguarundi as the closest Earth equivalent to what i am.
I am a skeptical spiritual atheist, but my personal spirituality is wrapped around my kind’s existence as well. The sum of the collective consciousness, and beyond it is called The Gray Furred One. We know that it’s not a real being, it’s just a symbolic personification of the All-That-Is as it’s filtered through our understanding and mind-network if you will. It’s traditional to see it as looking like yourself in gray (the shade of the gray depends on your personality as well as other factors) to remind you of your place in it. I do nightly ritualistic prayers and hold conversations with it somewhat like a Christian would pray to YHWH, but my attitude is different towards it. I meet his/her/it’s eyes and talk to it like an equal and a friend. I know that it’s not ‘real’ and is a personification of my mind.
I’ve had a number of people ‘knowing’ i was feline somehow without my displaying any visual cues (that i was aware of), such as knowing my name etc. I have had plenty of strangers asking me about my tail, and anyone i’ve ever told about it has said things like “oh, yeah man. I always knew you were a cat”. It’s not as if i groom myself in the workplace or something. I’ve even had one person describe a memory about my “home” in detail that i’d never told anyone at that point, just out of the blue. That still stymies me.
I once went to a tarot card reader who warned me to keep my arms/legs away from the carpet that was running from the curtain behind her to beside the table we were seated at. This was her “spirit path” on which the spirit came to talk to her, and having my body over it will make them not want to come out. (Uh, right. Whatever). I obeyed that with my physical body, but wasn’t paying attention to what my phantom tail was doing. She kept looking at where i felt it, and just to play a bit, i flicked it in and out of her ‘spirit path’. After a few minutes of this she yelled at me: “Get your Goddamned tail out of my spirit path!”. I don’t remember the reading but that was priceless. I had not mentioned my therianthropy to her at all.
I’ve been exploring my therianthropy and the alien nature of it for about 40 years as of the time of writing this. I’m very good at debating, particularly myself, and i call it “Cutting Myself with Occam’s Razor” as often i’ll do it to a point of exhaustion. Suffice to say, i don’t know for certain in what ways it’s real or not. Frankly, i don’t care much. Aside from some occasional stress over species dysphoria it doesn’t affect my life in a way that i would seek treatment for it even if it could be treated. However, it affects my life deeply and completely enough that even if it were to be proven false, i’d still accept it as a symbolic truth rather than rewrite my entire paradigm and the face consequences of said paradigm’s deconstruction.
From about 1994 – 2004 i got tired of the stress of my therianthropy, and tried to suppress and ignore it. I had became depressed in doing so and only realized it when the huge weight of that depression lifted from my shoulders when i joined the therianthrope community. So, it may or may not be delusional in part or completely, but apparently i need to accept it for my mental health.
The ways in which it makes my life difficult are feelings of homesickness, feeling like i’m in the wrong body (though i’m used to that for the most part) and feeling alien. I remember crying myself to sleep as a cub (i was never a ‘child’ in my mind) because i just wanted to be like everyone else. I don’t feel the same way about most basic issues that others do from sex, to relationships, to having children. I feel like a foreigner everywhere, and that’s mostly ok. It gives me a bit of an outsider’s perspective, and any partners that i’ve had have help remind me how i’m “supposed” to react to some things sometimes. Sometimes i need to be reminded to put on clothing because nudity means nothing to me, as i have no body embarrassment of any kind. Why would i, when i expect physical sensations to be shared? The nudity of someone else is not arousing unless they are a lover, and i’m not particularly affected by sexuality around me or expressing it myself in a non-private setting. I’m as embarrassed as your average cat but in my case it’s because i expect minds to be shared and everyone around me to be experiencing such things telepathically together. Embarrassment over anything isn’t an issue.
For the past year or so i have felt a sense of dissatisfaction with the feeling of straddling my therianthropy and my human-acting-mask identity. To that end i’ve been pushing my mind more towards the therianthropic reactions and trying to drop my human training. This has had a few interesting effects such as increased dyslexia but nothing that i stress over. The base reactions of my kind and humans may be different but for the most part my migration won’t cause much interpersonal strife.
Thanks so much for sharing about what you are and giving us so much detail!! I am looking forward to getting to know you!! I have been with LadyCG on the boards pretty much since the start of Smoke and Mirrors. Although I am not a vamp or kin of any kind, I have had life long friends through this community. 🙂
Thank you Foxy One. I think i’ll like it here. I mean, i’d better since i set it up :”P
LOL You did a great job!!
*waves* hewwo, Bearcat ^_^
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